Member-only story
Imagine a World Without Mirrors
A reflection of complicated relationships with our bodies
At age 16, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. I’m currently 40. Although my weight is restored and has been for many years, not a single day has gone by that I haven’t felt fear around food. That is approximately 26,280 meals (8,760 days) I’ve missed out on being fully present for my life. This doesn’t just apply to Anorexia; there are a spectrum of eating disorders that highjack our lives.
During my adolescence (the ordinary course of the awkward puberty stage), I gained weight and felt humiliated watching the only body I’ve ever known change. I’ll never forget standing next to my mother in the bathroom — age 14 — brushing my teeth when she casually remarked, “You have to watch your weight — you have a round face like your dad, and fat will go to your face.”
That statement changed the trajectory of my life.
I internalized the message that a round face was a bad thing. From that moment forward, I hated my face. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, or at photos of myself, without disgust. That statement was made in the background of perpetually being on the classic ninetys’ diets with my mom (Weight Watchers, Atkins, The Zone, fat-free craze — ah, the nineties). I also internalized the message that having a flat stomach…
